1. Hope and Anchor MUST be open for BREAKFAST, and serve FARM FRESH PASTURED EGGS every day starting at 6am in the morning or EARLIER. Brunch is a conspiracy of LADIES to charge $10 for a plate of EGGS!!11! People need breakfast every day that is not just a pastry, they need friendly service too. Only having brunch is wrong and will not be tolerated.

2. All menu items at Hope and Anchor should remain at the same price or lower but offer greatly improved quality and not ever make me sick. WHY PAY FOR BAD FOOD???

3. No one can charge more than $5 for a banh mi ever again. I don’t care if your pigs are from summer resorts in the Berkshires where they get belly massages every hour and are read Victor Frankl and Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and given substantial psychiatric counselling to give them a sense of meaning about their fates, MORE THAN $5 FOR BANH MI IS CRIMINAL AND WILL NOT BE TOLERATED!!11!

4. Hope and Anchor must be exposed for the diner it is. Enough of this New American Cuisine bullshit. Just be a DINER!

5. Immigration: PARK SLOPE BREEDERS STAY THE FUCK OUT OF RED HOOK. Your split-level strollers with terrain-following suspension have no place on our neighborhood’s sidewalks, or in the aisles of Fairway, even on weekends. LEAVE YOUR KIDS AT HOME WHEN YOU GO SHOPPING!1! You don’t need to ask little River and Agammemnon their opinion vis Organic Chicken Breast or Tofu Suprise for dinner, just Feed Them! There will also be no more COMMUNITY BOOSTING whose only lasting effect will be the Raising of the Rents and Breederization of what’s otherwise a pretty cool neighborhood.

6. Summer! Enough! We get it! Go home!

7. Fairway, bring back the pork belly! How many things do you get to sell that are beloved of both Hipster Chefs and Puerto Ricans? Get on it!

8. Sunday is Quiet Time. I don’t care how hip your restaurant is, or how many handjobs you get from New York Rag, Sunday Night is Quiet Time. 10pm, the sound gets turned off. Offenders will be shot, with Silencers.

9. The Bike Lane is One Way. It goes in the direction of traffic. Don’t like it? USE THE ONE THAT GOES THE OPPOSITE WAY! IT’S ON THE NEXT BLOCK!

10. Bars will have GOOD WINE at FAIR PRICES. Like, Beer Prices. I want to hang out, I just don’t want to drink beer, or try to hang out in a froofy overpriced Wine Bar for Ladies. A good $5 Gamay is all I ask. No oak! Low manipulation! Get it together!1!

1!1: Learn to use “it’s” and “its” correctly. I know the iPhone can’t get it right, that’s no excuse!

If everything that I say above doesn’t happen right away I’m going to be mad and possibly explode or at least sulk at home on the couch for several hours and maybe WRECK MY GIRLFRIEND’S WEEKEND. You don’t want that. Do you? DO YOU?1?

FUCK THE SQUIRRELS!

These are the demands and sayings of Adam.