Thirteen Ways of Looking at Xarvan
I
Compared to aspirin alone
Taking Xarvan twice a day
May not cause unusual bleeding.
II
The yellow-centered brusies
Were a small price to pay
For the benefits of Xarvan.
III
Xarvan bears its makers stamp
And the number five-hundred.
In this, I am like Xarvan
Except for the five-hundred.
IV
A man and a woman
Are one.
A man, a woman, and Xarvan
Are one.
V
The tarry black stools
That may result of Xarvan
Are as common as gold
In asphalt.
VI
O Sages of Schenectady:
Why do you dabble in Qi Gong?
Do you not see the prescription pad
That bears the logo of Xarvan?
VII
Her menstra are copious.
She may be taking Xarvan.
VIII
Rash and hives
Inflamed my back,
An efflorescence of Xarvan.
IX
Xarvan whirled through his bloodstream,
A small part of his daily cocktail.
X
I do not know which to prefer,
The change in the amount of urine produced,
Or the unexplained weight loss,
The immediate side-effects of Xarvan,
Or the long-term.
XI
At the aural hallucinations
That Xarvan sometimes causes,
Even Jimmy Hendrix
Would lay off the sauce.
XII
Xarvan’s market penetration
Enacts a breathless mantissa.
XIII
It was evening all afternoon.
It was snowing
And it was going to snow.
The Xarvan stayed
In the prescription bottle.
Dear Councilmember Ulrich, As a New Yorker, you probably like takeout as much as the rest of us. I understand that you’re reacting to the fear of your constituents. You should realize that takeout mostly gets delivered by non-citizens at the bottom rung of the economic ladder. At the very least, licensing the bicycles that they rely on for their employment will subject them to an undue burden that they are ill-equipped to afford. It will also raise costs and delivery times for elderly New Yorkers who rely on takeout for timely delivery of quality food — the very constituents that your proposal purports to defend. Please reconsider this measure, for all of our sakes. Yours in pizza, Chinese, and all the wonderful food that makes ours the most delicious, convenient city in the world, Adam Pollock ** Send your efax (Transalt link) http://on.fb.me/ec6m1o **
I’m not surprised that the NYPD is cracking down on cyclists. What puzzles me is why they’d do it in the dead of winter. Here’s my theory:
Per the WSJ, it was JSK and Sanitation Commissioner Doherty’s job to decide to declare a snow emergency: http://j.mp/e4B2HI
According to the Post (biased, but not the habit of fabricating quotes), JSK passed the buck to Ray Kelly: http://j.mp/i70DeX
(Heads need to roll over the blizzard, never mind that you don’t need to declare emergency to staff up or put on chains.)
So now Kelly’s boys take it out on on JSK’s pets, the urban cyclists, despite it being winter, when most cyclists are on the subway.
Coming to our holiday-type party on Saturday? Here’s the FAQ:
Q: Where are you?
A: 132 Dikeman St., Red Hook, Brooklyn, between Van Brunt and Conover Streets. Ring buzzer #3. We’re on the second floor. Try not to think too hard about this part.
Q: What should I bring?
A: A spare winter coat, if you’d like to donate one to the newyorkcares.org winter coat drive.
Beer and wine are always welcome.
Q: What time?
A: 7ish. If you have kid-scheduling needs, or want to help with food prep, 5ish is fine.
Q: Will there be food?
A: There will be a lot of food, all of it served on latkes.
Q: May I bring my famous double-ding-dong choco-delight cake?
A: You bet.
Q: Will there be vegetarian options?
A: Yes.
Q: Will there be vegan options?
A: Don’t count on it.
Q: How about non-alcoholic beverages?
A: Apple cider will be provided.
Q: May I bring Iphigenia, my 5-year-old daughter?
A: Only if she likes latkes. Earlier is probably better for kids.
Q: My cousin Eddy is in town. May I bring him?
A: Only if he likes latkes.
Q: My dog Ralph adores latkes. May I bring him?
A: Our dog September has an exclusive contract to provide begging, tail-chasing, and auto-anilingus services at this event.
Q: Is there a place to put my bike?
A: If you’re riding your Caminargent, we’ll find a place for it inside. Otherwise, please bring a lock. There’s a substantial fence, and a number of posts, outside.
Q: Will I be able to find parking?
A: Probably.
Q: I’m really shy around strangers, but I do like latkes. Can I come anyway?
A: Yes.
1. Hope and Anchor MUST be open for BREAKFAST, and serve FARM FRESH PASTURED EGGS every day starting at 6am in the morning or EARLIER. Brunch is a conspiracy of LADIES to charge $10 for a plate of EGGS!!11! People need breakfast every day that is not just a pastry, they need friendly service too. Only having brunch is wrong and will not be tolerated.
2. All menu items at Hope and Anchor should remain at the same price or lower but offer greatly improved quality and not ever make me sick. WHY PAY FOR BAD FOOD???
3. No one can charge more than $5 for a banh mi ever again. I don’t care if your pigs are from summer resorts in the Berkshires where they get belly massages every hour and are read Victor Frankl and Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and given substantial psychiatric counselling to give them a sense of meaning about their fates, MORE THAN $5 FOR BANH MI IS CRIMINAL AND WILL NOT BE TOLERATED!!11!
4. Hope and Anchor must be exposed for the diner it is. Enough of this New American Cuisine bullshit. Just be a DINER!
5. Immigration: PARK SLOPE BREEDERS STAY THE FUCK OUT OF RED HOOK. Your split-level strollers with terrain-following suspension have no place on our neighborhood’s sidewalks, or in the aisles of Fairway, even on weekends. LEAVE YOUR KIDS AT HOME WHEN YOU GO SHOPPING!1! You don’t need to ask little River and Agammemnon their opinion vis Organic Chicken Breast or Tofu Suprise for dinner, just Feed Them! There will also be no more COMMUNITY BOOSTING whose only lasting effect will be the Raising of the Rents and Breederization of what’s otherwise a pretty cool neighborhood.
6. Summer! Enough! We get it! Go home!
7. Fairway, bring back the pork belly! How many things do you get to sell that are beloved of both Hipster Chefs and Puerto Ricans? Get on it!
8. Sunday is Quiet Time. I don’t care how hip your restaurant is, or how many handjobs you get from New York Rag, Sunday Night is Quiet Time. 10pm, the sound gets turned off. Offenders will be shot, with Silencers.
9. The Bike Lane is One Way. It goes in the direction of traffic. Don’t like it? USE THE ONE THAT GOES THE OPPOSITE WAY! IT’S ON THE NEXT BLOCK!
10. Bars will have GOOD WINE at FAIR PRICES. Like, Beer Prices. I want to hang out, I just don’t want to drink beer, or try to hang out in a froofy overpriced Wine Bar for Ladies. A good $5 Gamay is all I ask. No oak! Low manipulation! Get it together!1!
1!1: Learn to use “it’s” and “its” correctly. I know the iPhone can’t get it right, that’s no excuse!
If everything that I say above doesn’t happen right away I’m going to be mad and possibly explode or at least sulk at home on the couch for several hours and maybe WRECK MY GIRLFRIEND’S WEEKEND. You don’t want that. Do you? DO YOU?1?
FUCK THE SQUIRRELS!
These are the demands and sayings of Adam.
After it told me I wrote like James Joyce, I fed the “I Write Like” Facebook app the output of a bunch of prominent authors. Here’s what it thought they were:
author … text … what the machine said
James Joyce … Dubliners … James Joyce
David Foster Wallace … essay on Roger Federer … David Foster Wallace
Herman Melville … Bartleby the Scrivener … James Joyce
John Cheever … The Enormous Radio … David Foster Wallace
Douglas Adams … The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy … Douglas Adams
Kate Chopin … The Awakening … Raymond Chandler
Jane Austen … Pride and Prejudice … Jane Austen
Allen Ginsberg … Howl … James Joyce
Jimmy Carter … Always a Reckoning … Kurt Vonnegut
Abraham Lincoln … Gettysburg Address … H.P. Lovecraft
Homer … The Iliad (trans. Samuel Butler) … James Joyce
John Milton … Paradise Lost … William Shaespeare
Malcom Gladwell … “The Formula” … David Foster Wallace
O. Henry … “The Gift of the Magi” … James Joyce
Joseph Conrad … Lord Jim … Charles Dickens
William Burroughs .. Naked Lunch … David Foster Wallace
Miguel de Cervantes … Don Quixote … James Joyce
Kurt Vonnegut … “The Big Trip Up Yonder” … H.P. Lovecraft
Anne Tyler … “Noah’s Compass” … David Foster Wallace
From Betty Chen at the Governors Island Preservation and Education Corporation:
I just wanted to let you know that our concessionaire, Bike & Roll, will be selling their inventory this weekend, each day from 10:00 am – 4:00 pm. First come, first served, limited quantities.
Price List:
· Adult Bicycles - Nav 1.0 —- $125
· Kids 20” cruiser —- $49
· Kids 20” jet/mystic —- $25
· Kids 24” (old ones only) —- $99
· Tagalong (old ones only) —- $99
· Kickstands —- $5
· Racks —- $10
· Training Wheels —- $10I think these bikes were new in May and have been used for just one public season, 3 days a week. They are in great shape. Please pass this along to anyone you think might be interested. Thanks, Betty
This is Maxie. She’s a female Shepherd mix, about a year old. I’d guess she weighs about 50 lbs. She’s presently living behind a Dominican beauty parlor in Red Hook, Brooklyn. She’s friendly, bright-eyed energetic, and loves to be handled. She needs a good home. Leads? Email adamdoesit at gmail dot com.
